when I try my way 1st....

I usually think I'm sailing right along, then boom, boom, boom...life hits and I can't even catch my footing. I truly believe the saying of when it rains it pours. It seems that this is when the devil knows we are at are weakest and does everything he can to destroy. So why do I underestimate his ability to kill steal and destroy just as the Word as laid out before me. Just in the last 18 months I've experienced more loss than the previous 25 years combined. First was Nanny, the best Momma ever, then two weeks later on the same day my Step Papaw and my little sister’s mom who was only in her mid thirties. So now not just me and my two siblings raised by Nanny, but my Dad's other daughter, only a teen is left motherless as well. It seems like since Jan of 2008 I just can't catch my breath and I could use a few sunny days for sure. I still had so many things to ask her about life and how she did certain things. I still wake up every day and remind myself that she is gone. I say come on it's been 1.5 years already and it should be a reality now.

Yes the shock isn't as raw the pain easier to manage with time but it doesn't change that I want her back. The entire world kept moving right along while I and my husband could barley move at all. Why do we think we have some type of say of when our time here is done? Why do we get so made at God for taking those we love, he never said we all would live to see our elderly years yet we feel like we were served a huge injustice and can't process one that we love being taking away. Even though we know we all will die it is like we have all of the stipulations that say "okay I will be okay as long as I die when I'm this age, let me not suffer, or be taken when my body is still healthily because we have fear about whets next or how long we will be apart from those that mean the most to us here. I just don't want to take one breath for granted because I truly might not make it to see gray hair. So many stages of grief, that you cannot grasp unless first hand. There is no right word to say to that morning a loss that cuts the heart. Just be there in stillness like the Father above. I am thankful Father this am as I sit and ponder on how good you have been to me. You have taught me a lot about patience in these past few months. I am thankful for the ability to forgive those that hurt me most. I am starting to see things that I couldn't see at first. Like how there is no possible way people would be on the road to recovery and this is how we all are going to live in eternity together vs. an eternity spent apart. That is all that matters and what the fight is all about. It's not what we are doing today for fun, or if our house is clean, or what we are cooking for dinner, or if we should take that new job, it is what we do with what is handed to us and how we bring others to his Word. Pray for his will to be done and to be used and then have faith that he will get through. I am amazed by the strength he gives to me on a daily basis. He has kept me from losing it on my bad days and I can't imagine what it would have looked like if I didn't rely on him but on the things of this world. It is very scary to me to think of all of those in such agony as we speak and don’t fall on him. What's to lose? Why is it so hard to surrender? Why do we think we can do it better? We can't. We know it deep down but somehow usually always try the hard way first. Is it pride, selfishness, or pure motives for wanting what we want, and wanting it now that we can't let go 100%? Sometimes it is easy to look at someone else who you think has it all, they even put on the happy face, say the right words, but then behind closed doors they carry a lot more pain with them and have become masters at hiding it within because they are scared of failure and scared to say that they can't do it by themselves. They don't need to rely on someone they can't see when they have their very own hands right there in front of them but they usually self destruct. The devil loves those like this. He loves the dark. That is the only way from my experience that sin can grow and stay alive. As long as no one knows then we convince ourselves that it can't be that bad or we deserve it or God understands or I will just ask for him to forgive. What? Why do we think God owes us everything? He already paid the price. We are just lucky to be here, breathing, alive. Look at the sun today, the mountains if you have them, and the beautiful sky above. That is what he reflects, such a masterpiece but yet we think we know what is best for us. I don't have a clue and get so mad at myself every time for falling back into the trap for thinking I can do it by myself. Every time I say to myself that I'm going to remember how peaceful it was once I let him in and set my own motives aside but then boom here I go again thinking I have the answers or will try it my way first. God help me today stay in tune with you rather than going astray. I love the peace that flows through me, a comfort so great, hard to put in words. I can remember literally feeling you as a 7 yr old scared to death on most nights. I could feel your arms right them and you never let me stay down too long. Thank you for giving me the best gift on Earth or that money could buy. You gave me two Grandparents that loved you more than anything and let me know from early on that life would be hard, filled with pain, hardships, and joy if I let you in. It is what gets me through the trial after trail and keeps my focus on you.

behind a smile

Behind her smile is a million pieces
breaking breaking
shattered once again
the daddy is now gone
She is all alone
Breaking breaking
Crying out
In a room full of people she is all alone

Mommy says rest your head

But she now has vanished too

She has fallen to the floor

Dreaming of the day someone once again knows her

Not just the pretty face but knows her deep down to her core

More than just a sweet memory, more than just in passing by

More than just another check off the list

She is breaking breaking, all that's left to do is cry
Love me, love me
Please hold  her, you can hear her say without her saying a word

"Will you be the the one to pick up all the little pieces off the floor?"
Wondering if her prince will save her tonight as she cries out to her Lord.



Once made him smile, when all she had was a smile to share back
Now that grief takes up the majority of emotion inside
Will he save her, does he even know how?
Breaking breaking on the cold wet floor
She feels all alone, just asking for someone to notice her
Love her love her
She is breaking,suffocating,as she screams on the inside, save me, please God just open the door.

Why are you looking at her this way?

she can't fake the emotions festering deep inside

All she wants is  out of the misery of missing the ones that knew her best
She for sure thought she had at least another ten years left

Why can't her little ones see who she use to be

It is not even the same outlook or plans, but it got buried with them in the dirt.

She use to be more carefree, the world was good, it just wasn't supposed to be

Not this cruel, not this unjust, why did God take away her angel here on Earth?

She use to get in the floor and not ball up but actually toss around her kids and play.

Her laugh sounded different, her dreams so big and full,
She knew how much she had believed in her,her little baby girl.
Just like she knew one day her baby girl would give back.
She was just like her nanny, hated to break any rules,she longs to be like her, for little did she lack.

Now her husband looks at her, wondering what kind of woman is left behind
The one she always cherished was taken from them both.
They do all that they know is left to do
They can hear her whisper the truth of the Word
Seek thee first the kingdom of God,and then my child you will find.

Something at last shines through the cold on the floor
It glows until the lost girl sees it reflecting ever so contently than before
He takes her hand and takes the first step
All because Christ came and said you now have life for I have paid your debt.

The door is open just waiting for her to walk this way
This life is too sorrowful and painful
I can't bear to watch her do it alone, a price much to great to pay.
No one here promised forever to her, and then God says "But just wait there is more."
The devil just uses fear to let it get to all
He is defeated just keep reading
All will see Heaven at last shut its two pearl doors

It's like she can hear Jesus saying "No one could ever prepare for this, not even your angel on Earth.
Yes this life is very hard and difficult not too many clues
Be thankful for every little blessing they both had with you.
From the first day of school to your college degree,
then how beautiful I waited paiently,letting her, your Angel there see all three of your babies births.

What more could you ask of me
I waited and waited but couldn't bear to see her suffer silently anymore
It wasn't sickness like cancer or a tragic accident,I just called her by name.
For,she deserved mercy, for you know better than anyone she had never thought of herself, not even close.
So I,her Savior, took a hold of her hand during that final ball game
I wiped her tears off the floor
I told her of all the good things about to happen

I shared then that her very own child would finally shut the evil door
How beautiful of a gift,she learned in those final moments that the walk of her child's painful life of drugs and alcohol was no more
She said, "O Jesus I knew you were always there listening to me and my husband pray.
For all these years we just wanted our family together
We just didn't know how to get everyone else off the floor
You are the only one true savior
I raise my hands, high, to thee
I bow down before you; my God you are so good to me
Just keep watch of my little precious ones below; for I was always fearful that they couldn't do it without me.

Then its like she hears her say to her,the child she left behind "Now precious one, just listen to me in your heart
I taught you what to do; you just didn't think you would have to lean on his understanding just yet
Leave and cleave is what the word says, I know it is hard to part.
For that is why you are on the cold floor tonight, you feel like all you can do is cry and fret.
I held on maybe a little too tight,I leaned on you to cope
I just never expected such a short stay
I thought I had plenty of time, to keep teaching you the ropes
Never dreaming I only had three weeks with your last little one to the day

I always said one day we will get to have lots of fun
That was my plan and obviously not his
For as you can see who won
For now it is me standing tall with eternal love
I know u can't see me as I am holding this sweet little angel
Better known as miss summer Nicole
She still smells just like I remember
Perfect in every way
Jesus kept her extra warm
My third little grandchild is at last in my arms
And now my Daddy that I had on earth is at last seeing this sweet day
O I can't wait for you to get here but as you can see there is still so much work to be done
He will pick up each tear for you off the floor and fit your pieces all back together one by one
We will be together  again
He sees you brookiedoodle, you can count on that
You aren't just another face to him
He is there for every moment, time for a new life without me,
All you do is lean on him, and your new life will begin

Not the way you always saw before
Colors will always appear a little different I guess but it just takes a new outlook
It gives new perspective for what the rat race here is all really about
It all rest on knowing him for sure

Reading what his promises are, in the word of God, the Bible will always be the most powerful book. and only life source that makes this world tolerable for what he took.
It is the one truth I read to you over and over again
I always said it was the answers to all, all you could ever need to know right there before you, if you want to live fulfilled then all you have to do is one simple step never shut it,then pass it on to your ken
Keep turning its pages for it isn't just another good read for
it is the only thing that can truly help you up when you are so low
The only life source that makes this world tolerable for he knows like no other the pain you are feeling for what he took. "

I can now walk this road without you Nanny, for you taught me how to handle pain and suffering..I can do all things through Christ who strengthes me. Everything I could possibly need, right there in your very own Word

I decide in that sweet moment in time, to let the past just be the past, I will keep fighting the fight for his Kingdom and all that it represents within
For the answers were always right there, God lets us hit the bottom sometimes as a reality that we can't walk the walk alone
I stop crying to catch a breath to slow down and process all that my heart just heard

He has laid out the future and how to take each and ever step

I was blessed with the greatest gift of all. Because of YOU I see the light, for I am now free, all because Jesus is the one that saved me, He is the giver of life,the one that paid my debt.

what is love?

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 18:14

The greatest of these is love is what you hear in Sunday school growing up but what does that really mean. Love is a fruit of the spirit so is it possible to love when someone doesn't believe in Him. Or is God speaking of a different type of love, a love that one can only fully grasp when they are a believer and experience it first hand. Right before I got married I wrote a poem to my soon to be husband. I ended up walking down the isle as it was played to the song he propsed to me with. While working on my reunion I ran back across it and was reminded of all of those little things that I sometimes forget about "what love really is". I don't necessarly always think it is a feeling but a choice. However you can't fake love.

You can't say well I'm going to pretend to love this person that hurt me because I made a choice. It truly is a gift that comes from within. That is something that is so hard to do, to love when it is undeserved and when you don't feel love back. For so many years I loved people that were suppose to naturally love me back, actually love me first to show me what love is. Of course I experienced love and acceptance but when that one person that brought you into this world doesn't quite have those nuturing abilites to give security and love, it hurts the very nature of the person. That is where I believe the fruit of the spirit plays a role in my life. He jumped in and saved me with his love and acceptance and that is how I was able to love so many back as a child. Of course I cried on most days but he was there holding me along with my Grandparents and so many others. I think tonight of those kids laying there that don't know Christ or don't have other family members to bring hope to them and I honestly wish I could wrap all of them under my wings and shield off the ugly world spiting in their face. I think how different of a wife, mother, daughter, friend I would be if I didn't experience love, I probably wouldn't be any of those things at all but someone that only sees myself and my pain. I'm thankful tonight that God blessed me with what I have. It is easy to get caught up in the fast paced ways of the times and forget that just 10 years ago texting, facebook, blogs, even cell phone usage, and emails, were just starting and not widespread.  How does so much change so fast. Then I think back to just 7 years ago and what I wrote to my husband on what love was and now love means something totally different.

In the past five years we have had 3 kids, 1 miscarriage at almost 10 weeks, bedrest for 3 months with our 3rd baby, lots of physical therapy, passing the CPA exam, tons of work responsibilty of managing audits now, slowly overtime not working as much on marketing and focusing now on just my home and doing work from there, Papaw progressing with Althzimers, my Mom in and out of our lives, deciet, lies, sin, heart problems, new medication and side effects, bills, 4 surgeries on our children, NICU, night after night of no sleep, more bills, addictions, co-dependancy, depression, veritgo, migranes, minears disease, anglyospondolitis, chronic inflamation, one child with severe allergies, another that needs updraft machiene at home, two trips to the ER in two weeks with 2 different kids for accidents with our girls, cousin signing proball, new sister, siblings the same age as our kids, hurt by friendships, new leadership roles at church, house on the market and showing it with two babies, off the market, offer, not taking it, then staying put, event planning charities, tv apperances, doing acting work on the side, ebay business, arbonne manager then quiting because of the time it took, late nights for the husband working, bills, steriod injections in joints in the back, being unable to walk without pain six months after giving birth, losing basically our mom aka Nanny three weeks after our third child was born, then two weeks later losing a grandpa and my sister's mom on the same the day, one to cancer and one unexplained as she was still in her 30's, too many of the same meals, not enough quality time, cuddle...what's that again?, fights, arguing over arguing, disapointments, failure, healing of relationships, my biological mom back in my life after 25 years of absence, forgiveness, restoration, new friendships, planning my reunion together, losing my best friend, disney world with the kids for the first time, san diego just us two, branson twice a year, getaways, family vacations.too many to count, holidays, wrecks, broken appliances, major hail storm, hearing a tornado just one mile from our house and holding all three in a bathtub in the middle of the night, new closeness with Aunt and cousins, clearing of a lot of medical debt, helping raise one of my siblings until my mom stopped using since we first got married until just 18 months ago, watching my little brother become a man, watching another brother become a husband and now soon to be dad, Papaw having a stroke, in and out of hospitals, being in a cardic unit for three days and feeling alone and scared, being told I was losing my first baby to see him survive, watching close friends divorce, sharing my testimony in public for the first time in front of a large group, giving my grandparents their 50th anniversary party,  watching those I love go through loss and depression, organizing...what's that anymore?, what school for the kids?, bible study after bible study, book after book just wanting answers, poem after poem, new hobby, not even hours in the day, not enough lovin in the day, not enough dates, not enough not enough not enough is what the culture says.

Now just scratching the surface I'm exhausted. I don't write all of the first things that come to mind of the past five years to gain empathy as I'm sure the list could be filled with so much more darkness but it is a window into the new meaning of love in my life. Love isn't a feeling. If it were one day I would love and the next day I wouldn't. Love is a choice. A choice to be there, to accept when it doesn't feel possible, to step towards when you want to step the other way, to hug when you want to push, to inspire when you want to reject, to admire when you want to tear down, to never give up on. Love like this is only possible because of Christ. Notice the theme of "want to" but the choice is doing something different. The choice isn't because of selfish motives or reasons, the choice is because of our Maker. He gives drive like no other. It can't be explained, there is no formula, no book, no lesson, only Him! Love is many things, love is beautiful, a reflection of his heart for us as his children. I think of how many times I must let him down, but he always chooses to love me, it is constant, it is pure, it is lovely, it is what keeps me going on days when I feel like I can't take another step. Embrace him, if you don't know how just ask him to hold you. He is waiting, such a gentleman, he is there, call on him, he wants to make him self known in your heart. The joy I get from him on days when it isn't possible to feel happiness by looking at the situation is the times when I see just how powerful the fruits of the spirit really are. Love, Joy, Peace, Self Control, Goodness, Gentleness, Forgiveness, all a gift from him and only possible to truly posses by being filled by the Holy Spirit. Life is a very long road no matter how many years we spend here. It is full of rocks, bumps, hills, valleys, straight, narrow, but there is always a choice of how we will walk the road, how we will survive the road, what turns we will make on the road, if we will choose to jump off the road, will we ask for directions when lost on the road, the road is long but I choose to stay on it with my husband. Even though our road has changed drastically in the past five years when looking at the words spoken on our wedding day one fact remains the same on how I ended my walk down the isle with my father, I said "I am now complete because sweet-heart I know love is you and me." Love is you and me only because of his gift of mercy and grace. Thank you for loving me when you feel like doing everything else that goes against the fruits of the spirit. I am blessed because you love HIM.

"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world."

Climbing when the end is near

Ten years of slowing loosing the ability to take care of yourself is I feel one of the worse things possible to have. It takes away all of the memories, thought patterns, livelihood, confidence, drive, personality, and can then take away the ability to even remember how to breathe on your own. Papaw has been such a fighter through all of this but never lost hope on a cure. He never lost faith, he never stopped praying for a miracle, and even now when you say papaw do you want to go to Church, he pops up and says o'yes! It is precious. A side