when I try my way 1st....

I usually think I'm sailing right along, then boom, boom, boom...life hits and I can't even catch my footing. I truly believe the saying of when it rains it pours. It seems that this is when the devil knows we are at are weakest and does everything he can to destroy. So why do I underestimate his ability to kill steal and destroy just as the Word as laid out before me. Just in the last 18 months I've experienced more loss than the previous 25 years combined. First was Nanny, the best Momma ever, then two weeks later on the same day my Step Papaw and my little sister’s mom who was only in her mid thirties. So now not just me and my two siblings raised by Nanny, but my Dad's other daughter, only a teen is left motherless as well. It seems like since Jan of 2008 I just can't catch my breath and I could use a few sunny days for sure. I still had so many things to ask her about life and how she did certain things. I still wake up every day and remind myself that she is gone. I say come on it's been 1.5 years already and it should be a reality now.

Yes the shock isn't as raw the pain easier to manage with time but it doesn't change that I want her back. The entire world kept moving right along while I and my husband could barley move at all. Why do we think we have some type of say of when our time here is done? Why do we get so made at God for taking those we love, he never said we all would live to see our elderly years yet we feel like we were served a huge injustice and can't process one that we love being taking away. Even though we know we all will die it is like we have all of the stipulations that say "okay I will be okay as long as I die when I'm this age, let me not suffer, or be taken when my body is still healthily because we have fear about whets next or how long we will be apart from those that mean the most to us here. I just don't want to take one breath for granted because I truly might not make it to see gray hair. So many stages of grief, that you cannot grasp unless first hand. There is no right word to say to that morning a loss that cuts the heart. Just be there in stillness like the Father above. I am thankful Father this am as I sit and ponder on how good you have been to me. You have taught me a lot about patience in these past few months. I am thankful for the ability to forgive those that hurt me most. I am starting to see things that I couldn't see at first. Like how there is no possible way people would be on the road to recovery and this is how we all are going to live in eternity together vs. an eternity spent apart. That is all that matters and what the fight is all about. It's not what we are doing today for fun, or if our house is clean, or what we are cooking for dinner, or if we should take that new job, it is what we do with what is handed to us and how we bring others to his Word. Pray for his will to be done and to be used and then have faith that he will get through. I am amazed by the strength he gives to me on a daily basis. He has kept me from losing it on my bad days and I can't imagine what it would have looked like if I didn't rely on him but on the things of this world. It is very scary to me to think of all of those in such agony as we speak and don’t fall on him. What's to lose? Why is it so hard to surrender? Why do we think we can do it better? We can't. We know it deep down but somehow usually always try the hard way first. Is it pride, selfishness, or pure motives for wanting what we want, and wanting it now that we can't let go 100%? Sometimes it is easy to look at someone else who you think has it all, they even put on the happy face, say the right words, but then behind closed doors they carry a lot more pain with them and have become masters at hiding it within because they are scared of failure and scared to say that they can't do it by themselves. They don't need to rely on someone they can't see when they have their very own hands right there in front of them but they usually self destruct. The devil loves those like this. He loves the dark. That is the only way from my experience that sin can grow and stay alive. As long as no one knows then we convince ourselves that it can't be that bad or we deserve it or God understands or I will just ask for him to forgive. What? Why do we think God owes us everything? He already paid the price. We are just lucky to be here, breathing, alive. Look at the sun today, the mountains if you have them, and the beautiful sky above. That is what he reflects, such a masterpiece but yet we think we know what is best for us. I don't have a clue and get so mad at myself every time for falling back into the trap for thinking I can do it by myself. Every time I say to myself that I'm going to remember how peaceful it was once I let him in and set my own motives aside but then boom here I go again thinking I have the answers or will try it my way first. God help me today stay in tune with you rather than going astray. I love the peace that flows through me, a comfort so great, hard to put in words. I can remember literally feeling you as a 7 yr old scared to death on most nights. I could feel your arms right them and you never let me stay down too long. Thank you for giving me the best gift on Earth or that money could buy. You gave me two Grandparents that loved you more than anything and let me know from early on that life would be hard, filled with pain, hardships, and joy if I let you in. It is what gets me through the trial after trail and keeps my focus on you.