The greatest of these is love is what you hear in Sunday school growing up but what does that really mean. Love is a fruit of the spirit so is it possible to love when someone doesn't believe in Him. Or is God speaking of a different type of love, a love that one can only fully grasp when they are a believer and experience it first hand. Right before I got married I wrote a poem to my soon to be husband. I ended up walking down the isle as it was played to the song he propsed to me with. While working on my reunion I ran back across it and was reminded of all of those little things that I sometimes forget about "what love really is". I don't necessarly always think it is a feeling but a choice. However you can't fake love.
You can't say well I'm going to pretend to love this person that hurt me because I made a choice. It truly is a gift that comes from within. That is something that is so hard to do, to love when it is undeserved and when you don't feel love back. For so many years I loved people that were suppose to naturally love me back, actually love me first to show me what love is. Of course I experienced love and acceptance but when that one person that brought you into this world doesn't quite have those nuturing abilites to give security and love, it hurts the very nature of the person. That is where I believe the fruit of the spirit plays a role in my life. He jumped in and saved me with his love and acceptance and that is how I was able to love so many back as a child. Of course I cried on most days but he was there holding me along with my Grandparents and so many others. I think tonight of those kids laying there that don't know Christ or don't have other family members to bring hope to them and I honestly wish I could wrap all of them under my wings and shield off the ugly world spiting in their face. I think how different of a wife, mother, daughter, friend I would be if I didn't experience love, I probably wouldn't be any of those things at all but someone that only sees myself and my pain. I'm thankful tonight that God blessed me with what I have. It is easy to get caught up in the fast paced ways of the times and forget that just 10 years ago texting, facebook, blogs, even cell phone usage, and emails, were just starting and not widespread. How does so much change so fast. Then I think back to just 7 years ago and what I wrote to my husband on what love was and now love means something totally different.
In the past five years we have had 3 kids, 1 miscarriage at almost 10 weeks, bedrest for 3 months with our 3rd baby, lots of physical therapy, passing the CPA exam, tons of work responsibilty of managing audits now, slowly overtime not working as much on marketing and focusing now on just my home and doing work from there, Papaw progressing with Althzimers, my Mom in and out of our lives, deciet, lies, sin, heart problems, new medication and side effects, bills, 4 surgeries on our children, NICU, night after night of no sleep, more bills, addictions, co-dependancy, depression, veritgo, migranes, minears disease, anglyospondolitis, chronic inflamation, one child with severe allergies, another that needs updraft machiene at home, two trips to the ER in two weeks with 2 different kids for accidents with our girls, cousin signing proball, new sister, siblings the same age as our kids, hurt by friendships, new leadership roles at church, house on the market and showing it with two babies, off the market, offer, not taking it, then staying put, event planning charities, tv apperances, doing acting work on the side, ebay business, arbonne manager then quiting because of the time it took, late nights for the husband working, bills, steriod injections in joints in the back, being unable to walk without pain six months after giving birth, losing basically our mom aka Nanny three weeks after our third child was born, then two weeks later losing a grandpa and my sister's mom on the same the day, one to cancer and one unexplained as she was still in her 30's, too many of the same meals, not enough quality time, cuddle...what's that again?, fights, arguing over arguing, disapointments, failure, healing of relationships, my biological mom back in my life after 25 years of absence, forgiveness, restoration, new friendships, planning my reunion together, losing my best friend, disney world with the kids for the first time, san diego just us two, branson twice a year, getaways, family vacations.too many to count, holidays, wrecks, broken appliances, major hail storm, hearing a tornado just one mile from our house and holding all three in a bathtub in the middle of the night, new closeness with Aunt and cousins, clearing of a lot of medical debt, helping raise one of my siblings until my mom stopped using since we first got married until just 18 months ago, watching my little brother become a man, watching another brother become a husband and now soon to be dad, Papaw having a stroke, in and out of hospitals, being in a cardic unit for three days and feeling alone and scared, being told I was losing my first baby to see him survive, watching close friends divorce, sharing my testimony in public for the first time in front of a large group, giving my grandparents their 50th anniversary party, watching those I love go through loss and depression, organizing...what's that anymore?, what school for the kids?, bible study after bible study, book after book just wanting answers, poem after poem, new hobby, not even hours in the day, not enough lovin in the day, not enough dates, not enough not enough not enough is what the culture says. Now just scratching the surface I'm exhausted. I don't write all of the first things that come to mind of the past five years to gain empathy as I'm sure the list could be filled with so much more darkness but it is a window into the new meaning of love in my life. Love isn't a feeling. If it were one day I would love and the next day I wouldn't. Love is a choice. A choice to be there, to accept when it doesn't feel possible, to step towards when you want to step the other way, to hug when you want to push, to inspire when you want to reject, to admire when you want to tear down, to never give up on. Love like this is only possible because of Christ. Notice the theme of "want to" but the choice is doing something different. The choice isn't because of selfish motives or reasons, the choice is because of our Maker. He gives drive like no other. It can't be explained, there is no formula, no book, no lesson, only Him! Love is many things, love is beautiful, a reflection of his heart for us as his children. I think of how many times I must let him down, but he always chooses to love me, it is constant, it is pure, it is lovely, it is what keeps me going on days when I feel like I can't take another step. Embrace him, if you don't know how just ask him to hold you. He is waiting, such a gentleman, he is there, call on him, he wants to make him self known in your heart. The joy I get from him on days when it isn't possible to feel happiness by looking at the situation is the times when I see just how powerful the fruits of the spirit really are. Love, Joy, Peace, Self Control, Goodness, Gentleness, Forgiveness, all a gift from him and only possible to truly posses by being filled by the Holy Spirit. Life is a very long road no matter how many years we spend here. It is full of rocks, bumps, hills, valleys, straight, narrow, but there is always a choice of how we will walk the road, how we will survive the road, what turns we will make on the road, if we will choose to jump off the road, will we ask for directions when lost on the road, the road is long but I choose to stay on it with my husband. Even though our road has changed drastically in the past five years when looking at the words spoken on our wedding day one fact remains the same on how I ended my walk down the isle with my father, I said "I am now complete because sweet-heart I know love is you and me." Love is you and me only because of his gift of mercy and grace. Thank you for loving me when you feel like doing everything else that goes against the fruits of the spirit. I am blessed because you love HIM.
"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world."
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