why is it that the world seemed to stop on april 14th,2008. its like in my mind my kids weren't suppose to get any bigger, grow any more, learn anything new, or forget the face that greeted them almost every am like routine. now that my papaw is gone it is almost harder because it made me have to relive alot of the same wounds. so fresh still that pain inside.papaw was suffering but you weren't you still had so much life to bear,i miss papaw even his sick state of not knowing me, just to hear him say brookiedoodle one more time would make my heart smile, but with out you the world just isn't the same, i can't put it in words but just feel like the person i once was, the joy deep inside, is gone, i know you wouldn't want me to feel so empty with out you here, you always said you feared that because you were worried i would feel alone with out you by my side, i told you if you left me then i was going with you, if only it were that easy to run and hide, if i had one wish it would be to just see and talk to her again. my husband says then i would long for another day that i would never be satisfied because of how much she was a part of both of our lives but at least there could be words of encouragement and guidance to how am i suppose to do this nanny, or do that, you promised to teach me your tricks of ironing, and homemade waffles, and the trick to making that skillet cornbread, fried okra, and the stock market, but we just thought we had all the time in the world. i thank God everyday that I chose to stay home with my babies since nanny was right down the road. she was retired and this put us on adventures almost every day together and she would laugh and me and tell me that she came over to get a break, and i said i need u here so i can have my break then too! with my first i can remember even her coming over everyday bec i was nervous about taking a shower, what if the baby starts to cry. she just thought that was the funniest thing ever, and then fast forward three years later and I walk in to find my 3 yr old and 1 yr old in the bassinet with my 1 week old. a little more laid back, proably too much at times, but i took pictures, and she said "o no you didn't, he is going to kill that baby, you better tear him up, this is serious. O i always knew how to get a rise out of you nanny. your sense of humor was the greatest and you seemed to come alive around babies and vacation and the snow. i have grown up a lot since you left and I think i wonder if you would be proud or did you dream of more than i am doing right now. why can't i just get over losing you, i know i can't have you back, but my heart just won't let it go. so i still cry, maybe not as much, probably bec my tear bank is a little low to say the least. first you, then paps the next year, now both of the people i adored that raised me since i was two years old are gone. pressure is bigger than ever to leave the legacy you gave to us. i can see all of your hard work with your six grandbabies paying off every day to say the least. we are strong, fighters, passionate for Christ, and live with our last day in mind on most of days, but it makes me sick i can't hear your thoughts on it only i can just assume of what you would say or think. i just want to be near you, in the same exact room, like we use to when i was sad. sometimes you would just lay near me and we wouldn't even have to say a word, see looking back you were my rock because their was already so much insecurity there and doubt from not having my mom and you would try your best to protect me from the pain since it was lies over and over again, but just like me i think down deep you wanted to think this is it..the day she will give all that bs up and be new and whole again. can you believe she did it, never ever would you believe though who she is now. even if u had hope left for her to quit you would never dream that she is working at times 16 hrs shifts, fighting now for what is best for her patients and i have a feeling holds on to you and paps from all of them as well, she talks to you often and at times i just want to believe you can hear her, just so you know all of the heartache wasn't for nothing, not even close. she is a hard worker and still learning the ropes, but she is free nanny, just like we would dream about, and papaw always would tell us not to question what God was able to do. he said i believe she will be healed and will be functioning again. if only you and him could have known that she would be the one by his side the last 16 months of his life. she gave back at last, even if he couldn't say thanks at the time, how neat will it be in heaven when he can hug her and say he knows now what she did and he knows her heart is living for God now instead. if she could come in the doors just one more time, i would sit with her and watch the snow fall like we use to, day dream of all the trips we would take with my kids once my body healed and she was done taking care of Papaw. here it is coming up on two years with out the woman I knew as mom and still the pain so intense. its no a new pain, not a fast curve ball thrown in my face, its like that nagging kind of pain that hangs on that you just can't shake. is it as much of a shock as it was the day it happened, the day my world stopped, not even close, but i still feel like she should still be here, like maybe just maybe this entire thing is a bad dream, she was only 71. taking care of two kids her self day in and day out and don't get me started on all she did for my Papaw. Nanny if you were here right now you would be amazed at how much everyone says Brooklyn acts like I did as a toddler. You would be proud of Jackson, he hasn't gotten in trouble yet at school and has come home with near perfect behavior almost everyday. See all that worrying for nothing...what's funny is Autie told me you were talking about him and Bailey and how you were worried he was going to hurt our new baby Brooklyn just 5 minutes before your massive anuriusm at the ball park. I relive those moments of our last conversation that day over and over and think, what did i miss, you sounded so fine, you didn't even tell me you felt bad or had a headache just that you thought maybe you were getting a stomach bug. We laughed and laughed about Uncle Jacks 80th bday as you drove to the Ualr game and about how Papaw tried to eat the cake with his hair comb. Your voice is still so near and I can still hear the tone, affliction, dilect, when i think of you. I can still see your hands, your beauty marks,moles, wrinkles and exactly which ones got on your nerves the most, the way the door sounded when you came in, I always knew it was you, i still catch myself looking for your purse in the place you always set it, i swear it should be there again and even still make uick mental notes of ooo i need to tell Nanny this , she won't believe what Bailey said. You would be so proud of Ash, he is playing pro ball just like you always knew he would, your other princess is an occupational therapist, and just is still working so hard. Then there is my brother who is going to college and working full time where you always dreamed he would. Yes he delivers the mail and loves it. My sister the last princess you raised is maturing before my eyes. Almost ten is hard to believe since she was 7 days away from 8 when you left this earth. I can't wait to talk to you again. You were such a part of me, sometimes I think maybe too much because I just never imagined losing you this way. i'm waiting for the pain to get lighter,easier, tolerable, but with every new milestone you miss, every new adventure that comes our way that I can give you all the details, and with every inch my three babies grow, it just doesn't seem like it ever will. I love that I can still feel you so close to me and can still see your face, hear your voice, all of it. stay near me nan, i'm scared, i wish i could've said goodbye, or just had one more day to truly walk this life with you. one thing is true I see how quickly life can change in seconds, how its not really ours at all, so i'm waiting for it to feel normal here with out you but i'm guessing it won't.
why is it that the world seemed to stop on april 14th,2008. its like in my mind my kids weren't suppose to get any bigger, grow any more, learn anything new, or forget the face that greeted them almost every am like routine. now that my papaw is gone it is almost harder because it made me have to relive alot of the same wounds. so fresh still that pain inside.papaw was suffering but you weren't you still had so much life to bear,i miss papaw even his sick state of not knowing me, just to hear him say brookiedoodle one more time would make my heart smile, but with out you the world just isn't the same, i can't put it in words but just feel like the person i once was, the joy deep inside, is gone, i know you wouldn't want me to feel so empty with out you here, you always said you feared that because you were worried i would feel alone with out you by my side, i told you if you left me then i was going with you, if only it were that easy to run and hide, if i had one wish it would be to just see and talk to her again. my husband says then i would long for another day that i would never be satisfied because of how much she was a part of both of our lives but at least there could be words of encouragement and guidance to how am i suppose to do this nanny, or do that, you promised to teach me your tricks of ironing, and homemade waffles, and the trick to making that skillet cornbread, fried okra, and the stock market, but we just thought we had all the time in the world. i thank God everyday that I chose to stay home with my babies since nanny was right down the road. she was retired and this put us on adventures almost every day together and she would laugh and me and tell me that she came over to get a break, and i said i need u here so i can have my break then too! with my first i can remember even her coming over everyday bec i was nervous about taking a shower, what if the baby starts to cry. she just thought that was the funniest thing ever, and then fast forward three years later and I walk in to find my 3 yr old and 1 yr old in the bassinet with my 1 week old. a little more laid back, proably too much at times, but i took pictures, and she said "o no you didn't, he is going to kill that baby, you better tear him up, this is serious. O i always knew how to get a rise out of you nanny. your sense of humor was the greatest and you seemed to come alive around babies and vacation and the snow. i have grown up a lot since you left and I think i wonder if you would be proud or did you dream of more than i am doing right now. why can't i just get over losing you, i know i can't have you back, but my heart just won't let it go. so i still cry, maybe not as much, probably bec my tear bank is a little low to say the least. first you, then paps the next year, now both of the people i adored that raised me since i was two years old are gone. pressure is bigger than ever to leave the legacy you gave to us. i can see all of your hard work with your six grandbabies paying off every day to say the least. we are strong, fighters, passionate for Christ, and live with our last day in mind on most of days, but it makes me sick i can't hear your thoughts on it only i can just assume of what you would say or think. i just want to be near you, in the same exact room, like we use to when i was sad. sometimes you would just lay near me and we wouldn't even have to say a word, see looking back you were my rock because their was already so much insecurity there and doubt from not having my mom and you would try your best to protect me from the pain since it was lies over and over again, but just like me i think down deep you wanted to think this is it..the day she will give all that bs up and be new and whole again. can you believe she did it, never ever would you believe though who she is now. even if u had hope left for her to quit you would never dream that she is working at times 16 hrs shifts, fighting now for what is best for her patients and i have a feeling holds on to you and paps from all of them as well, she talks to you often and at times i just want to believe you can hear her, just so you know all of the heartache wasn't for nothing, not even close. she is a hard worker and still learning the ropes, but she is free nanny, just like we would dream about, and papaw always would tell us not to question what God was able to do. he said i believe she will be healed and will be functioning again. if only you and him could have known that she would be the one by his side the last 16 months of his life. she gave back at last, even if he couldn't say thanks at the time, how neat will it be in heaven when he can hug her and say he knows now what she did and he knows her heart is living for God now instead. if she could come in the doors just one more time, i would sit with her and watch the snow fall like we use to, day dream of all the trips we would take with my kids once my body healed and she was done taking care of Papaw. here it is coming up on two years with out the woman I knew as mom and still the pain so intense. its no a new pain, not a fast curve ball thrown in my face, its like that nagging kind of pain that hangs on that you just can't shake. is it as much of a shock as it was the day it happened, the day my world stopped, not even close, but i still feel like she should still be here, like maybe just maybe this entire thing is a bad dream, she was only 71. taking care of two kids her self day in and day out and don't get me started on all she did for my Papaw. Nanny if you were here right now you would be amazed at how much everyone says Brooklyn acts like I did as a toddler. You would be proud of Jackson, he hasn't gotten in trouble yet at school and has come home with near perfect behavior almost everyday. See all that worrying for nothing...what's funny is Autie told me you were talking about him and Bailey and how you were worried he was going to hurt our new baby Brooklyn just 5 minutes before your massive anuriusm at the ball park. I relive those moments of our last conversation that day over and over and think, what did i miss, you sounded so fine, you didn't even tell me you felt bad or had a headache just that you thought maybe you were getting a stomach bug. We laughed and laughed about Uncle Jacks 80th bday as you drove to the Ualr game and about how Papaw tried to eat the cake with his hair comb. Your voice is still so near and I can still hear the tone, affliction, dilect, when i think of you. I can still see your hands, your beauty marks,moles, wrinkles and exactly which ones got on your nerves the most, the way the door sounded when you came in, I always knew it was you, i still catch myself looking for your purse in the place you always set it, i swear it should be there again and even still make uick mental notes of ooo i need to tell Nanny this , she won't believe what Bailey said. You would be so proud of Ash, he is playing pro ball just like you always knew he would, your other princess is an occupational therapist, and just is still working so hard. Then there is my brother who is going to college and working full time where you always dreamed he would. Yes he delivers the mail and loves it. My sister the last princess you raised is maturing before my eyes. Almost ten is hard to believe since she was 7 days away from 8 when you left this earth. I can't wait to talk to you again. You were such a part of me, sometimes I think maybe too much because I just never imagined losing you this way. i'm waiting for the pain to get lighter,easier, tolerable, but with every new milestone you miss, every new adventure that comes our way that I can give you all the details, and with every inch my three babies grow, it just doesn't seem like it ever will. I love that I can still feel you so close to me and can still see your face, hear your voice, all of it. stay near me nan, i'm scared, i wish i could've said goodbye, or just had one more day to truly walk this life with you. one thing is true I see how quickly life can change in seconds, how its not really ours at all, so i'm waiting for it to feel normal here with out you but i'm guessing it won't. 
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