where's the justice

I'm devastated. As if it isn't bad enough that my Grandfather has had Althzimers for the past ten years, has lost his pride by having his children change every diaper, lost his independence the day we took away his keys, lost his thrill for adventure when we took away his skis, and now today look what was taken away!

His ability to eat, walk, swallow, hug, and worst of all TALK

He is so head strong, but still that sweet spirit

He is fighting with all he has

A smile, only this day it feels so different

His smile is even a reminder of how fallen this earth is

He has lost a lot of his facial control

It pulls to the side and he doesn't even know it

All he knows is something is different, it just isn't the same

He wanders around the room only with those deep brown eyes
Looking for someone or something familiar, then already forgetting who had went which way
It breaks our heart because his memory is only able to recall things from his early days

I hate this disease with everything in my being

Why wouldn't this just be enough, the enemy I forgot is lingering just waiting for the opportunity to seek the heart during attack

He drives in all of us fear, worry, pain, and doubt
Papaw wants to talk but all he can do today is moan
This is the worst when seeing he wants to get the words out
When his grandbabies talk to him on the phone

Its like I can tell what his eyes are thinking
When we are all alone just stillness and peace reside in my soul
I'm reminded of all the stories he taught me of God's goodness
For he and everything he stood for is why I'm able to let go


I remember him telling me that it isn't about the things of this world

Just look in the bible of the chosen ones of our Savior

They are the ones that had such difficult roads
Our culture lies to our hearts day in and day out


Just do the right thing, say the right words, be kind to others, and you will get the easy way out
It is all the plan of the enemy to make us feel like our situation is without hope
darkness lost in the moment of sorrow
The devil loves when we forget who is the only one that can comfort to cope



It isn't about what we have here, or how great our heath is, or what our riches are of this world

The devil loves it when we believe the lie that we can have it all, he whispers "where is your Jesus now" haha, I thought you said for he is good and came to save us all!

it is sickening how the devil can make us feel so ugly inside, undeserving of forgiveness, and frankly makes us just want to hide

Escape and run inside is all part of his plan, that is when you spit in his face, and say my God is Great, Victory he has won,when he came in my heart, for I call it like I see it, and You Lucificer have lied.

The promise of my eternity is how I persevere, he makes himself known to me, letting me feel one little brush of his stroke, he fills me with joy that cannot be explained, non-believers cannot understand because that is what sets me and them apart

They see what my wonderful papaw has done with his life, never turning his back on someone in need
They ask “how if there was a God he sure isn't good indeed,
What a joke your religion is, what an injustice is what one might ask
Why would he let such a good man of faith and character suffer,
while others who live a life full of sin, have no health problems or pain and hide behide the world's mask
the mask that material things is happiness, who needs their family all together, we aren't praising and none are struggling with this disease

Is it just hit or miss the luck of the draw
I'm asked do u really believe there is something greater, a one all knowing God.”
Then I look into my one place, that is full of life so rich and raw
It says I should have no fear, my Lord is my shield and rod

He protects and I can lie in green pasture is what I can still hear my Papaw whispering in my ear
I will reflect on how many lives will never be the same because of what he did with his precious gift
It can't be explained why he loved worshiping his one and only Savior
I remember his hands lifting o so high

I can hear still hear the passion in his voice as he tells me the stories and says
"now this is the last time for tonight" and I would grin knowing I could at least probably get a few more in
Daniel in the Lions Den, Jonah and the Well over and over Papaw reflected to me God's protection


And now he sits in bed in Critical Care unable to speak, eat, walk, or spit

He now has fever, and sometimes looks at me like this might be the end,
He is in pain but can't say it, a mountain I can't climb, God please heal the damage and infection
We come to you as your little one, I bow on my knees before your throne
Surrounded by so many others tonight in love with you Jesus

You came here not because you had to but because that what you knew u had to do
So I could now be forgiven of all my wrongs
Yet our world says “why believe in Jesus, he wouldn't let the world be what it is now”
That’s when you just pray for those that don't know him, for mercy and grace is how



Unjust and miserable I don't think so
It is quite the opposite in fact
I mediate on that first moment with my Savior inside those pearly gates
I know that you and Nanny will be standing there together ready for a long awaited embrace at heaven’s door
Nanny will be there waiting in that light smiling from her head to the floor



Only the walls of the place will not be so cruel and painful
Never again will you feel agony or grief
This is the promise you lived by
And why you are now getting close to seeing Jesus face to face
You didn't worry about all the whys of when tragedy was striking
You were determined to keep your faith as your ran the race





Just one stride at a time, so focused, teaching me all I needed to know
To handle this same type of life
You were wise enough to see even from the time I was a little girl
That the Holy Spirit is a gift and I never needed anything more


I love you Papaw Calvin
Is all I want to say
I don't need to hear you say word
You've said it all along, each and every way



Through all you provided and invested in my world
I will give back to you each and every day
I'm here for you now until Jesus knows his work with you here is done
Even though u can no longer speak, he is changing lives one by one


It's your turn to rest on my shoulders, I live my life because of what u have taught me even in the worst of times
I will be a testimony of his goodness, faithfulness, self control and all of the other fruits one by one
I don't need the rain to stop, I built by house upon the foundation until my work here is done

Rest now my sweet father and don't you worry about my load
We won't endure the evil of this life very much longer sings my heart and soul
I’m resting in his promise, just now instead of it being you to wrap me in your arms so tight
I will rest in him, his purpose, he is the one now holding my hand through the flight.


When his own daughter finally became a mother to me only a few years did she do what God had asked
But Papaw always showed where he was resting, never stopped believing and praying to what the Holy Sprit called him to so deep inside
He knew his daughter, my Mom, would always come back
He taught me about how God if faithful for he is good, even on the worst of days


Its almost as though I hear you say to me, my little baby girl, now as I lay hungry, I know what it means to fully trust in him, i'm showing you what it means to not listen to the world
True joy isn't gained by a feeling off what your circumstance looks like on one given day
Ask and you shall receive is given by the Lord



So you even made it more clear, sure you went all out, not only just having stroke
But you sit there with a big grin for even though you can't pray to him now
I can hear u say without uttering a word how can we ever appreciate the gift of heaven for even some must literally starve and choke

This should answer all the world ask, don't be mad at God, I'm still making a difference, for he isn't quite done using me.

how will I know

How will I know what to do

For I never had tea parties like you

How will I know what to say

I never saw it done this way

How will I know how to raise a girl

My mom disappeared

I was only four

How will I know what a little girl needs?

When we go to the hospital to have her, what will I pack?

Only 22 weeks left to ck out every book on girls to read.

I'm already worried about makeup,hair, nails, & jewlry 15 yrs from now

you see it wasn't very long ago I was the one teased for not knowing how to do all that....

My Grandparents filled a huge void that was left bare

They sacrificed their extientence just out of love to make sure I always had a chance

They were filled with His Spirit, for all they took care of with out seeking themselves, is special, in fact rare

My Nanny grabed one hand, and my Paps the other, then sought the Word on life for the dance

Once that leads to a different tune, it's the power, focused not on themselves, they taught me to care.

My Nanny always knew there would be a day
When I could have confidence with my little girl

She was my constant, never leaving me astray

When finding out I was to be a momma the 2nd time around

Instead of pure excitement and joy, I felt the fear set in

I needed someone to save me, I was lost and wanted to be found

I didn't know how to be Mom to a daughter, is what the enemy kept whispering in my ear

I asked my Savior to step in, he then grabbed my hand and took away my fear

He spoke softly,my child You don't have to be taught how to play dress up, barbies, tea parites and such

It is something that comes from within, a gift I fill and guide u step by step,follow me in all your ways, I knew you in your mother's womb and I wanted you here so much

You were not all alone while setting up your dolls

I was right there beside you

I even held you tighter when I knew she wasn't going to call

Be still child of mine and sit before my throne

You found me early on, and would smile as I would come near

We played house, laughed, read, and sang together,sometimes my voice is all you would need to hear

I took you under my wings and  gave you peace and let you shine

You didn't need much, just a little comfort and some of my time

Now do the same for your daughter, take her and hold her close

Teach her the things that you know to be true

Not to be proud, rude, selfish, bitter, or boast

I picked you to be her Mother

She needs you in the ways you always wanted yours to be

Teach her to love me by your example

For as you know this is what matters the most.

Show her mercy and grace,it is what matters,matters the most to me.

God thank you for speaking life back into my soul

Now my little girl is three and my other princess is one

Looking back at my daughter still in the womb, this all seems so hard to be a hole

What was I afraid of, you were holding me until the pain of  sorrow was done

The fear is now sweet love, the guilt and shame, you still take them all away

You always say it best, peace love and joy are there

You have consumed me, giver of life in my heart, Lord use me, I lay down my life for you today.

I forgive

I forgive you for never being there

For not reading me stories at bedtime

I forgive you for not fixing my hair

I forgive you for sleeping all day

For not teaching me how to love a child

I forgive you for choosing the wrong way

I forgive you for having to beg for a hug and kiss

For not showing me how to love a husband

I forgive you for all the field trips you missed
I forgive you for all the nights I cried myself to sleep
For not knowing my favorite food, animal, or color

I forgive you for all of the promises you did not keep

Dear Mom, I forgive.

I forgive you for never showing me how to cook

For having to watch you get beat over and over

I forgive you for cussing me out and calling me every name in the book

I forgive you for never watching me water ski

For not being there when I made cheerleader

I forgive you for telling me that you hate me.

I forgive you for all the family vacations never taken

For not showing me how to put on make-up

I forgive you for telling you I was sick only to hear I was faking.

I forgive you for never teaching me how to fly a kite

For not helping me plan my wedding and then showing up drunk

I forgive you for missing my prom night

Dear Mom, I forgive.

I forgive you for giving me spoiled milk and still being able to smell the cup.

For stealing me life savings I worked so hard for as a teenager

I forgive you for seeing you so messed up

I forgive you for the only time you took me shopping, seeing you steal off the rack.

For not seeing me play softball, gymnastics, recitals, and plays
I forgive you for leaving me for so long and not coming back

I forgive you for all of the Christmas’s and Birthdays you missed
For missing the moment I was crowned Homecoming Princess
I forgive you for telling me you couldn't spare just one kiss
I forgive you for not showing me how to make a house a home
For not giving me comfort when I was hurt
I forgive you for when asking you to fix my hair being hit with the comb




Dear Mom, I forgive.




I forgive you for the day I gave birth not being by my side
For not knowing my fears and dreams
I forgive you for trusting you one more time only to find out you had lied

I forgive you for not being there to answer when I call
For taking me into drug houses
I forgive you for not knowing my favorite season is the fall

I forgive you for having to be a Mother to my siblings in the midst of the rain
For all of the times I cried at school when you did not show up
I forgive you for having to watch my siblings go through this same type of pain

I forgive you because I know if you could do it all over again
For we would walk this road together
From the first day you gave me life until the very end




Dear Mom, I forgive

1-10-08

Background:My Nanny was still alive when I wrote this only I had no clue I only had a few months left with her. I was on bed rest with my third child and had more time than ever to reflect on the pain from my childhood and what all I had forgiven my Mom for. I never dreamed of sharing this with her. In fact the only people that I read this to were my husband, friend, and then I read it to my Nanny. She had a few tears running down her face and I will never forget her response. She was proud I went to Christ with it all, and felt overwhelmed by the power of our Maker. She said are you going to share this with your mom. I said No. She said "Good because you know she could never handle it, the guilt already is what keeps her down and this would only send her deeper because I'm sure she has forgot most of what she has done to you." I agreeded and then it went in a drawer. My Nanny died exactly three months after this was written. But I am so glad I shared this with her because she knew that regardless of my Mom's choices I was going to be okay and had forgiven her. My husband reminded me of this poem I wrote for my Mom and said he always felt like God was going to use it somehow, he even said this to me back in Jan. when I first read it to him. I thought he was just talkin to make me feel better. However, my Mom shortly after turned her life around and broke free of some chains that after 25 yrs controled her every thought and decision. I was finally able to read this to her. Something I never thought possible was seeing my mom function, take care of others, and love her family. If you know someone that is "the child" in a similar story or is "the mom",don't stop hoping. It can happen. My mom is living proof of it. For this is the entire reason I'm sharing it now. To give hope to those that need it to love others or to give hope to someone that has caused others deep pain. There is healing, "He is the way, the light, and the truth." "For the greatest of these is love" "Build your house on the rock"How else can one explain life change of this magnitude?

what makes a treasure

true friends are a treasure
and what makes a treasure a treasure?
value, significance ,uniqueness, & beauty
treasure in small ways by the value of having a friend that loves me for me

comfort given that brings significance deep within,

uniqueness because a treasure can't be replaced

a treasure is not easily found, sometimes we think we have found the treasure of our dreams only to find out that its stones are fake indeed.

they crack in the storms, tarnish & fade over time

for a treasure isn't a treasure if you are the only one investing just to see it shine

a treasure always shines regardless of admiration and love without ever saying a word

no need to be reminded when a treasure is found for actions are always louder than words
Remember the enemy will try to steal your treasures away
However a true treasure doesn't rock nor sway, it stands the test of time
Even the treasure hunters that step on and in the way
Trying to weave a web of self distruction because they long to see the light and shine go out

Those that build life on the rock, will have the best treasures of all

Some look a lifetime for a treasure and let God's hand play a role
They choose to store their treasure on the one stone that can save all
Or those that start with good intentions but only to let it fall into a huge hole
A hole that was only meant for Jesus, all you have to do is reach out and call

upon the treasure that never leaves, is always there no matter how much it puts on the heart, this treasure can't stop growing and giving, and insist on giving comfort to those that take the time to know
what loving others is all about

When you don't love your treasures and don't spend the time with what matters most,
lt all gets lost to the core of the treasure and can only fall, meaning of life is altered
forever changed, always yearing for something more
if all one did was take our treasures to the father
and just wait for him, he will open the door.

O,how a treasure can make one see the world in the way its meant to be seen.

Uplifting, joyfull, full of wonder, and peace

that's why a treasure is what you are

For a treasure is what you will always be.

what i would do

what i would do for just one more hug
one more kiss
her voice, her thoughts, her smile
what i would do to feel her love

why did she have to leave me
why did she have to go
i just want her back
this is all i know

I've lost my best friend
I've lost the one who knew me best
my guardian, grandmother, protector,
the one that made sure I always had the best

the best that she could do
the best that she could give
i always wanted to give back
she just left before that day came

she never asked for anything
all she did was give
to all with whom she loved
the list is too long to share

why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
she would never have to lift a finger
i would do anything to see her smile
along with so many others
she was a great American hero
just living in her house
she worked for God's kingdom, always thought of his House

her life motto was to share her heart to see another smile
her thoughts to see another secure
her pockets to see another safe
her laughter to see another ones face
her hand to see another well
why can't i ask her how she did it all
is this why she had to go
was God ready to give her a break
one much needed and deserved

why couldn't we get a warning
why couldn't we have a sign
were they all there and we were just too busy to notice
or did we choose not want to see what was there
she never slept, just made sure everyone else did
did she know how much I cared

the best of moms
the best of care
i never had to worry
she was always there
why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
i would do anything, please Nanny just come back

happy birthday Nanny, is all i want to say
happy Birthday Nanny, u deserved the kind of party I know you got today
Jesus sang to you today, just wish I could have too,
Jesus is what keeps me fighting for good
he is my only hope
you taught me he is the answer
Because of you i wait for him to calm the storm
when will this nagging pain subside
is this what will always be until the day we embrace again
a child which i was still yours was never going to be ready to say goodbye
you were the one that took care of my every need
never wanted or even expected in return
we always joked that i would have to spend the next twenty years trying
why didn't u give me that turn
i know you would have died inside to know what was near
did you smell it
could you feel it
did you see it
could you sense that your death was near
you weren't afraid and prayed the entire way to the light
you even told others what you saw
witnessing as you went out
only you, that was your style, always thinking of all but yourself
you only wanted your children, grands, and greats to be okay
you gave us all what you had
your life lessons, your journey, your faith, your very being to the depths of your soul
its all still here Nanny, not to worry now,
just rest knowing we are fighting hard
for what you would have wanted us to be
we are now your legacy
and won't be letting you down
we know you will be full of questions
when we meet again
i can hear you now as you ask me...
"how did we discipline our kids?, why did we choose this house?, how did you stop caring?, what did you give away?, why did you choose this over that?, how did you learn to fix that?, did you finally learn to iron just the way I did?, how did you decide to send your child there?, why did you choose this friend?, why did you want this item?, is it for the right reasons?, or is it for the things of this world?,
always remember these aren't the things that make you happy
just listen to your maker, he is the one
the only one that truly matters, it is why you and I are here, he just wants you to know him, never forget he is near
all that matters is letting him in, cofide, confess, talk to him, then you will be on his list,
this is all that matters, nothing else compares, i know you want me back, but I'm better in fact happier than i've ever been, no more pressure or heartache now, so stop worrying about what you would do to have me back, I'm happy as a peach sweet girl, you will have me back, just now it's your turn to take all the steps, if you choose the light and don't let life get in the way, just choose the life my sweet one and we will be together again, only next time it won't be for just a brief moment in time, but forever and ever, no one can take it away, it's God's promise, the answer, the fate of all believers, the happiest we've ever been. close your eyes and rest now, for know i'm near all that separates us is a little bit of time, but we both have the eternal gift.

i will see you again nanny
don't you worry now
sleep and rest til i get there
because when i see you again
i know how you are and you won't want to rest
you will talk with me for hours
sharing every detail of all your days
you will fill my heart with your wisdom over and over again
until then I'm going to make it, all because I know you are with Jesus and better than okay.

NOT HERE NOT NOW

As the rain comes down so does my tearsI was not ready for all of this, not now, not hereI miss her so much and just want her near
Her smell, her hands, the sound of her voiceNothing inside me is the same She wasn’t ready, it wasn’t her choice
It still hurts so bad day in and day outHard to believe a year has come and gone I want to run, hide, scream, and shout
First shock, deep sadness, darkness, anger, and now thisDeep down I know she didn’t have to suffer but come on.Not even a goodbye, a smile, or small kiss

So many questions yet still to askShe was the one that got me, always had my back.I wonder if anyone can see me through this mask
My kids won’t know her, not even closeI could never be who she was, but I riseBecause she let me see the value in living each day to the most
My heart literally aches, the pain so deep inside I wake up with dreams that she is still hereThen as soon as I look into the mirror I just want to run and hide
From the pain, from the loss, from the world as it is nowI feel weary and ask myself..where do I go from here?My rest lies in him, his mercy and grace, is how
I was not ready for this, not here, not now
One year later u would think I could breathe But not a minute goes by that the loss isn’t thereI’m falling apart, just look at me!
I miss who I was with her hereTrying to sort through this mess of who I’ve becomeI give it all to my savior, for I know he is near

As a child she was the one that wiped away my tears as the pain went round and round. I just want my momma back, she’s in my heart, but when I focus on the things of this world, she is just too good for the ground.

I was not ready for this, not here, not now, How do I face tomorrow without her?
My Heavenly Father, keep me afloat as the rain pours down